Let The Cuckoo Soar

Great bronze titties everywhere, rejoice! Your liberation is at hand! Ding dong, the Fundy’s gone! Or, more accurately, he has submitted his letter of resignation. The Bush Administration announced yesterday that Ashcroft has decided not to continue as Grand Inquisitor and Smiter of the Ungodly (read: Liberals and pot-smoking sick folks) during Bush’s 2nd term. While I’m usually loath to examine the proverbial gift horse too closely, his resignation raises as many questions as it does hopes.

Who will lead the DOJ prayer meetings now?

Who will defend us from the Evil Calico Menace?

Why is he leaving? Has the success of American Idol emboldened him to quit his day job and focus on his musical career? After having sent Tommy Chong and Martha Stewart up the river, does he feel that God’s Work is done? Or, more likely, does he know something about the next 4 years that we don’t? Tell me how this sounds:

St. John of Arc is a zealot extraordinaire – a fire & brimstone Endtimer. With Iraq in flames, Iran & Syria on tenterhooks, Arafat standing on a banana peel and Gee-Dubya only knows what other shitstorms about to break out in the region, courtesy of Our Good Friends at PNAC, the cradle of civilization is in a mess. Many who prefer that old-time religion, as well as many who aren’t religious but simply pay attention to the amusing antics of the Administration, believe that Armageddon is warming up in the wings. I used to laugh at the Tim LaHaye followers who could twist current events into any Apocalyptic balloon animal of your choosing... but that was so pre-2K. Now, even thought I’m a skeptic, it’s clear that these folks Believe. I’m guessing that he’s heading home to wrap up his personal business, stock up on Wesson oil and grab a quick rebaptism in the Mississippi – a booster shot for the Hereafter, if you will.

What does his resignation mean for civil liberties? My guess is, not much. While metal nipples may be safe, the rest of us had better watch our asses. Gitmo ain’t going away, nor the PATRIOT Act, nor are the Bushies’ plans to challenge a recent ruling against secret tribunals and arbitrary “enemy combatant” designations. It all depends on his replacement… and the madness of King George.

Who will replace him? Pundits are floating several names, suggesting several different directions that Justice may take over the next four years – few of them good. Dunno whether he’ll accept the job or not, but the answer seems obvious.

Il Douche Rudy Benito Giuliani. The philanderin’ fascist was always popular among the authoritarian right and, naturally, added to his reputation when he challenged The Queen of the Damned in the 2000 NY Senate race. After being washed in the blood of the Martyrs, he has become a Republican Achilles and could easily use AG as a steppingstone to the White House in ’08.

But that grisly thought can wait for another day. Today, let's just celebrate.


Update

Okay, celebration's over. Looks like Gee Dubya is going to tap White House Counsel Alberto "I Torture" Gonzales to replace Ashcroft. Gonzales, a longtime Friend Of W and Bush appointee to the Texas Supreme Court, is also the Bushie who was instrumental in stonewalling the 9/11 Commission and FOIA requests for information on Cheney's secret energy meetings.

On the bright side, Gonzales was expected to be on Gee Dubya's short list to replace "Knuckles" Rehnquist, so we've probably dodged that bullet. He also is not known to anoint himself with Wesson Oil.